With All My Love...

With all the love in my heart, I say this to you, Mommy:

I don't think you understood a single word I said (well, typed) to you at all. You probably skimmed what I wrote and saw it as a personal attack, then rebutted with something that wasn't even close to what the original conversation was. So I'm sorry at being angry for you because, as it sounded and appeared, you spent money on junk and then turned around and told me you couldn't afford to go to a dress store in a city, which is why u went to one in Po-Dunkville.

I was making no attempts to air any dirty laundry, but then you started calling me a drop-out, and saying things that didn't need to be said, and of course I responded, and retaliated to some things I said before you could blow them up in my face and accuse me of trying to be a martyr or something. By the way, jumping to conclusions does you no good. That post is privated now, so only you and I can see it. I don't want the whole world to know what's going on between you and I. They've no reason to know. It's none of their business. Its between you and me. I typed things I had no intention of you seeing, and I typed things I couldn't say to your face, 1. because I feared you'd hang up on me out of anger if we were on the phone and not hear me all the way through, and 2. because if we were face to face i figured you'd slap me before i was finished, and still not hear me all the way through. So, in a way, I was chicken. Yeah, I admit it.

I don't know what to say to you, Mother. I'm so disappointed in you, really I am. Now moreso because you didn't even hear anything I said. You didn't let it go all the way through and sink down. You took no notice of me saying I missed you, loved you, wanted you back how you were, when you still cared so much and you actually showed it. Now, if you care, I can barely tell. You're too busy trying to 1-up me.

Sure, Chance and I go out sometimes, we do things together. But that hasn't been for months now, because we're getting more broke, and Shayla comes first. The closest to going going out we have now is taking Shayla to the library every weekend. We know when we can't afford to do something because we have to do something else, so we don't do it. We manage our priorities list, and do what needs to be done first.

And sure, I was like "you should buy me XT for Mother's Day" but if I seriously meant it, I would have said something like, "If you wanted to get me something for mothers day, some money would be good. We're behind on some bills and need help catching up." And I have asked you for help before. I've asked so many times. But you always say you don't have the money right now. And I don't press that fact. I figure, if you want to help when you get the money, you will. Simple as that. I never questioned whether or not it was the truth. I just assumed what you said was gold, and I should take it as that.

So, if you want to let your anger stand in the way of my words, so be it. If you want to read what I said as something different and argue that point, so be it. I'm tired of fighting with you, I'm tired of stuff coming between us. We've never had a proper parent-and-child relationship, and I doubt we ever will. When I was younger, you tried harder to be my friend than my parent, which made it so much easier to talk to you, but also made it less easy to respect you as a parent instead of as a friend, which is probably why I'm able to post things like this and not feel i've done wrong. Right now, the only thing I feel i've done wrong is ruined our relationship. And if that's what I did, so be it. I guess I can't change it now.

I never wanted this. I just wanted to be angry and disappointed in you for a while, and I was entirely over it when I talked to you later, and then you told me about more spending, and I was a little hurt, but I was oki. I woke up with every intention to delete that post, my venting completely done, and forgiveness in my heart. Bu I got hungry and went and ate while watching TV and I forgot about it, till Jacki told me you read and posted. So I knew it was going to be a bad day. But instead of asking my to explain myself, you jumped right to anger and yelling and accusing me of things, and it spiraled out of my control. I knew it was too late to fix it. Maybe I shouldn't have responded at all. Maybe I should have let you vent. Then, in a couple days, this would have blown over and it would have been back to normal.

I want you to know I don't hate you. I still love you, despite all the pain we've put each other through, despite how much we've hurt each other. Yeah, you make me so mad sometimes, you hurt me so bad...I don't know what to do or how to respond. But, this is what it is. Most parent-child relationships end in death. So ours ends on facebook.

I still love you more than anything in the world...