Friday, July 29, 2011
I Hate My Life Right Now...
I hate everything today. I'm sore and I don't know why. My back is hurting, my ribs hurt when I breathe. There's no evidence as to why I'm hurting. My rash is back and I scratched my poor feet raw, and now it's itching in the backs of my legs and my thighs. I dropped a little cast iron skillet on my foot, luckily it landed flat side against the top of my foot. I just generally do not feel good. Then I come home and have Chance chew me out about the dishes, which makes me mad, because I had asked Jacki to clean the pan we cooked in last night and she didn't clean it. Now there's a nasty black film on it and the other dishes around it. Oh and I get chewed out because she crapped in the toilet and left a mess on the seat and Chance's mom had to clean it, so now the bathroom smells like vinegar because she apparently cleans everything with vinegar. I guess it works. My headache hasn't gone away but it's much less worse than it's been, so at least I can be thankful for that. I just hate that I am expected to clean up the house and do dishes and everything else. No one helps me. I hate saying this but my mother-in-law is apt to let the boys run loose while she sits at her computer, and it makes me mad because I'm the one scolding them, watching them, cleaning up after them. That isn't my responsibility. I clean up after my daughter, and I don't expect anyone else to, unless she's in someone else's care because I'm at work. Which is something else that pissed me off. When Jacki watched her the other night, she spilled pee on the floor because she pulled the bowl outta her training potty, which is right beside where Jacki was sitting and she still didn't stop her. I don't know what to do. I can't have Jacki watch Shayla if she isn't going to watch what she does and keep her out of trouble. I am just at a loss of what to do.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Tears Fall Free
I find myself crying tonight, but these tears that freely flow down my cheeks are tears of pure happiness, tears I never in a million years expected to cry. My heart is happy and free tonight, and for once I'm not letting anything bother me.
Tonight, at my mom's, something completely wonderful happened. My sisters, well, almost all my sisters, were together tonight. After the trauma of losing one of our number, I said things I shouldn't have said, made mistakes I so deeply and sincerely regret, and I thought that she had written me off forever. I hurt our sister's memory by saying things about the way her mother treated her, and I should never have lent voice to the unspoken knowledge, should never have publicly said the things I said. It hurts too much to think about, so I won't go into detail on it, but most of you dear to me know the situation.
I was terrified of seeing her. I knew she had a relationship with Brooke, and I was scared to death that she wouldn't acknowledge Shay, because that would have broken her tiny heart. She is so kind and so friendly to everyone, so open and trusting, and walked right up to her and held out her arms and said "Me next" after she had set Brooke down. I wanted to burst into tears right then when she picked up my angel and gave her hugs. She was kind to her the entire night, and was even cordial to me, which was more than I could hope for. She actually spoke to me when I talked to her, and she smiled at something I said, something not important enough to remember, but I remember her smile.
She is my sister, and I love her, despite everything. Despite her shunning me at the funeral, and sending me out in tears, near hysterical. At the time I couldn't accept the fact that I deserved it, but now I know I did, and I don't harbor any hostility toward her for her actions. She was well within her rights, and even though a section of my heart has been broken, unable to heal until we mend out relationship, the kindness she showed my daughter, her niece, has touched my broken heart, and I hope that maybe, soon, it can begin to repair itself. Nothing will change what I said and did, nothing will take back my actions. I would apologize, I wanted to, but we were all so happy and joking and laughing and having fun, I just couldn't dredge up the old memories, the old hurt. I can't bury it back, either, but now wasn't the right time.
She seems happy in her life, and that's all I want for her.
Tonight, at my mom's, something completely wonderful happened. My sisters, well, almost all my sisters, were together tonight. After the trauma of losing one of our number, I said things I shouldn't have said, made mistakes I so deeply and sincerely regret, and I thought that she had written me off forever. I hurt our sister's memory by saying things about the way her mother treated her, and I should never have lent voice to the unspoken knowledge, should never have publicly said the things I said. It hurts too much to think about, so I won't go into detail on it, but most of you dear to me know the situation.
I was terrified of seeing her. I knew she had a relationship with Brooke, and I was scared to death that she wouldn't acknowledge Shay, because that would have broken her tiny heart. She is so kind and so friendly to everyone, so open and trusting, and walked right up to her and held out her arms and said "Me next" after she had set Brooke down. I wanted to burst into tears right then when she picked up my angel and gave her hugs. She was kind to her the entire night, and was even cordial to me, which was more than I could hope for. She actually spoke to me when I talked to her, and she smiled at something I said, something not important enough to remember, but I remember her smile.
She is my sister, and I love her, despite everything. Despite her shunning me at the funeral, and sending me out in tears, near hysterical. At the time I couldn't accept the fact that I deserved it, but now I know I did, and I don't harbor any hostility toward her for her actions. She was well within her rights, and even though a section of my heart has been broken, unable to heal until we mend out relationship, the kindness she showed my daughter, her niece, has touched my broken heart, and I hope that maybe, soon, it can begin to repair itself. Nothing will change what I said and did, nothing will take back my actions. I would apologize, I wanted to, but we were all so happy and joking and laughing and having fun, I just couldn't dredge up the old memories, the old hurt. I can't bury it back, either, but now wasn't the right time.
She seems happy in her life, and that's all I want for her.
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