Tears Fall Free

I find myself crying tonight, but these tears that freely flow down my cheeks are tears of pure happiness, tears I never in a million years expected to cry. My heart is happy and free tonight, and for once I'm not letting anything bother me.

Tonight, at my mom's, something completely wonderful happened. My sisters, well, almost all my sisters, were together tonight. After the trauma of losing one of our number, I said things I shouldn't have said, made mistakes I so deeply and sincerely regret, and I thought that she had written me off forever. I hurt our sister's memory by saying things about the way her mother treated her, and I should never have lent voice to the unspoken knowledge, should never have publicly said the things I said. It hurts too much to think about, so I won't go into detail on it, but most of you dear to me know the situation.

I was terrified of seeing her. I knew she had a relationship with Brooke, and I was scared to death that she wouldn't acknowledge Shay, because that would have broken her tiny heart. She is so kind and so friendly to everyone, so open and trusting, and walked right up to her and held out her arms and said "Me next" after she had set Brooke down. I wanted to burst into tears right then when she picked up my angel and gave her hugs. She was kind to her the entire night, and was even cordial to me, which was more than I could hope for. She actually spoke to me when I talked to her, and she smiled at something I said, something not important enough to remember, but I remember her smile.

She is my sister, and I love her, despite everything. Despite her shunning me at the funeral, and sending me out in tears, near hysterical. At the time I couldn't accept the fact that I deserved it, but now I know I did, and I don't harbor any hostility toward her for her actions. She was well within her rights, and even though a section of my heart has been broken, unable to heal until we mend out relationship, the kindness she showed my daughter, her niece, has touched my broken heart, and I hope that maybe, soon, it can begin to repair itself. Nothing will change what I said and did, nothing will take back my actions. I would apologize, I wanted to, but we were all so happy and joking and laughing and having fun, I just couldn't dredge up the old memories, the old hurt. I can't bury it back, either, but now wasn't the right time.

She seems happy in her life, and that's all I want for her.